Children with School-Related Stress and Anxiety

Author: Brandon Kutmas, LCPC, LMHC

Have you noticed how your child suddenly doesn't complain about tummy aches every night or morning?

Kids don't yet know how to say "I'm anxious" or "school is really stressing me out". Instead, they'll often say things like "I have a tummy ache", "my head hurts", or say that they feel like they are going to puke at night or before school in the morning.

Some adults will fall for the trap of thinking that nobody has an upset stomach or headache every night or every morning unless they're really sick with something serious and write the whole thing off as them trying to get out of going to school--which is EXACTLY what their body is telling them to do!

Instead of ignoring their pleas for mercy or shaming kids for coming forward saying that they don't feel well, it would be a lot more helpful (once illness has been ruled out by a medical professional) to label these physical symptoms as a sign that their body is telling them that they're nervous about something--likely school-related and ask them to talk about why school is so stressful for them. Sit with them. Hold them. LISTEN to them. Take deep belly breaths with them. They'll feel better knowing that you understand their concerns, understand their own body more, and will be more likely to come to you for help with other things in the future--and don't forget to the all-important follow-up with them!

Rinse and repeat as necessary until they are at least 18. :)

When to Consider Therapy

For more serious issues relating to anxiety and stress (actual vomiting/dry heaving, extreme temper tantrums, absolutely refusing to go to school and/or intense crying occurring several times a week), strongly consider seeing a child therapist for counseling and/or a child psychiatrist. School refusal is one of the most difficult behaviors to address, so the earlier the child is seen by a professional, the better.

Work/Life Balance

If these anxiety episodes happen only a few times a month or less, at least consider the possibility of letting them take a mental health day. No, we're not saying to keep your child home every time they get nervous or stressed out--but if adults get the option to take mental health/sick days every now and then, why can't children?

We are terrible at teaching the importance of maintaining an appropriate work/life balance in this country. For 12 or 13 years of our lives, we are taught that school is more important than home, homework is more important than play, and earning A's is more important than being happy and healthy. When kids are struggling with something personal at home, it often comes out as misbehavior at school. I've heard stories of school staff telling students that yes, divorce stinks, but they need to focus on their school work, do their homework, and not talk back to teachers--how horrible is that?! This is why we have an adult population (present company included) who may know the concept of work/life balance, but have no clue what it looks like.

What it doesn't look like is going to bed sick to your stomach or getting up every morning hating the fact that you have to go to work.

Mental Health Days

If you've never taken a mental health day from work even though you could definitely use one, chances are that you weren't taught that it was an option or you were made to feel guilty as a child for trying to take a day off school because of stress. If school has been hard on your kiddo, TEACH them how to take a mental health day. It'll be an important tool that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Take one with them! Some things to consider are to:

• take the day to do something creative and fun
• read and play games together
• avoid treating the day like a typical weekend day to burn doing nothing
• avoid "catching up" on schoolwork--this day is for living not working
• sleep in or take a nap
• get outside and enjoy the outdoors
• learn to meditate together with the help of a phone app
• have a chat with your child about stress management to get them ready to return to school
• purposefully center the day around taking care of yourselves

Of course, it is equally important to teach them how to feel safe at school so they won't feel the need to avoid it!

Of course, your child will be tempted to push the boundaries of when it is appropriate to take mental health days!

Of course, your child will be upset when you don't let them take two days in a row or have 12 mental health days in a month!

They're learning how to use this tool just like how they're learning to take sick days. Set boundaries that are similar to the boundaries you have to work within as an adult. Many of us get a certain number of vacation days and sick days per year. Set a "budget" for how many days they can get and hold them to it.

Remember, the key word here is "balance". Mental health days are for when things are OUT of balance--when the work side of life is too heavy. Some of the activities that you would do during a mental health day are likely to be beneficial to work into you and your child's daily life so that they can learn to maintain that balance and avoid having to take mental health days in the first place.

Compassion and Understanding

Of all the things in life to prioritize, your relationship with your child is the most important. When they are communicating that they aren't feeling well, they depend on your kindness, your empathy, your wisdom, and your understanding. Your job as a parent is to SHOW them that they're the most important part of your life. One of the best ways we can do this is by adequately preparing them to be happy, healthy, and fruitful adults by first showing them what a happy, healthy, and fruitful adult looks like so they can one day show others.